This was not the first time such a thing has happened to me, but it was the most recent occurrence. While attending a Sunday morning Bible class with a visiting speaker, the point was made that we all need to be connected to Jesus and to each other. To illustrate the point, the speaker asked each class member to stand up and hold hands with the person next to them, creating an unbroken chain. While some in the group eagerly stood to follow the teacher’s instructions, there were audible sighs and groans by many, and still, others who stayed seated and would not even make a pretense of participation. While I was more compliant than the latter (and it helped that my husband was sitting with me), there was a part of me who would have loved staying comfortably seated with my hands to myself.

You see, there is a continuum in this world made up of extroverts, introverts, and those who are somewhere in between. I find myself identifying with the introverts of the world, and through the years, I have discovered that those on the other side of the continuum rarely understand my side. In fact, society seems to value the extroverted personality more than the introverted one. Extroverts are often seen as being more friendly, more likely to participate in activities, more verbally communicative, and more social.  Introverts may be seen as standoffish, less of a team player, less communicative, and more socially awkward.

The purpose of this article is not to get into the nuances of these personality types but rather to raise the level of awareness of how congregations can inadvertently cause introverts to feel uncomfortable or even desire to disassociate from the group. What seems benign to an extrovert can be overwhelmingly stressful to an introvert. Therefore, it is important to remember that a typical congregation may have 30% to 50% of the congregation who would identify as an introvert. That statistic is also true of the visitors who come to our assemblies. Since we don’t want to unnecessarily make visitors or introverts stressed and uncomfortable, I would like to raise awareness of some practices that can cause the visitor or introvert to feel awkward and look for the nearest exit.

1. No Ushers. Churches sometime do a very poor job of helping visitors find a place to sit. Visitors and introverts may arrive at the last minute, and pews are often full. To force them to attempt to find a seat for themselves or to ask if a seat is taken can be quite daunting. (I have actually seen visitors turn around and leave because of this dilemma). Helpful, trained ushers can take that stress off their shoulders.
2. Being singled out. It was once a common practice, and still is in some places, to place a rose on the lapel or dress of a visitor. In other congregations, visitors are asked to stand and be recognized. While identifying people as visitors is well-intended, to the visitor and especially the introvert, such a practice feels like a bullseye has been placed on them. Most people are uncomfortable standing out in a crowd, but that is especially true of introverts.
3. Meet and Greet Time. Some congregations will make an announcement for everyone to spend a few minutes meeting and greeting the people in the pews around them before the worship service begins. Few introverts will mind a friendly church member coming to say hello and shaking their hand, but when it is a forced expectation to take the initiative with those sitting nearby, it can be quite challenging. Introverts rarely enjoy a lot of small talk with strangers, particularly when it is forced upon them.
4. Being called upon to participate. Being called upon to participate in a Bible class can be terrifying to the introvert. Some people will stop attending Bible class for fear of being called upon to answer a question, read a Scripture, or lead a prayer. Years ago, I attended a Bible class in which the teacher would randomly call on people to read aloud and answer questions. For me, it was an agonizing 45 minutes of fear. Furthermore, we cannot make assumptions about literacy. Calling on someone to read can cause a great deal of embarrassment.
5. Sharing personal things with a group. This most often plays out in a casual setting such as a ladies’ day or retreat, but it goes something like this…”When do you feel closest to God?” “What are you struggling with that we can pray about?” When placed in a situation with an expectation to share, the introvert will usually want to opt-out and should be allowed to do that without pressure.
6. Activities for Extroverts. These activities might include activities such as party games at a baby or bridal shower, icebreakers at ladies’ retreats, or mixers at Bible camp. Most introverts will prefer socializing with smaller groups of people. Group participation should not be forced on anyone.
7. Physical Contact. I am certain that extroverts may find this difficult to understand, but many people do not enjoy the physical touch of strangers or acquaintances. Prolonged handshakes, an arm put around the shoulder, holding hands during a prayer, or hugging may be uncomfortable to many introverts. However, what is even worse, is when the hugger starts to hug and then says, “oh, I forgot, you don’t like to be hugged.” That equates the introvert with being something of a “cold fish!” We are not “cold fish,” but prefer to initiate physical contact on our own terms.

As an introvert, I ask that you be mindful and realize that not everyone thinks or reacts the same way in situations. What may be fun and comfortable for you may leave someone else feeling awkward and self-conscious.

Generally speaking, it is usually the introvert who makes the best listener, is the most observant, is most likely to think before they speak, and creates deeper, lasting relationships.

It is my hope that we may learn to appreciate, respect, and make room in our churches for the introverts, extroverts, and everyone in between!